A Week in the Life of Deve

I'm working on a personal philosophy of life. The book is tentatively titled, The Tao of Deve. This is obviously a riff on the movie titled The Tao of Steve, with the name modified to a nickname I sometimes use.

That being said, this past seven days has been rather, um, "interesting." Pull up a stool, sit a spell, and hear tell about A Week in the Life of Deve. Have you ever had a week like this?

• Last Thursday, a person I did not know committed suicide in the parking garage under the building in which I work. Crime scene tape went up, and we are all left wondering what happened to this poor soul to cause this irreversible outcome?
• Friday, while riding home from work on my motorcycle, I came upon a fatal accident involving a fellow motorcyclist and a truck. The collision had occurred moments before I arrived at the intersection between Richmond Highway and the street that goes to my house. The biker was traveling at a high rate of speed and the impact with the turning truck was so violent as to require life-flights for the driver and the two passengers... of the truck. Let's just say out of respect for the dead that life-flight was not required for the biker, who obviously died on impact. More crime scene tape, and hundreds of stunned neighbors. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, at the fateful intersection, family and friends held nightly vigils for the motorcyclist.
• Wednesday morning, a gunman started shooting at people practicing for the Congressional baseball game. This national news occurred minutes after I rode my motorcycle right by the Alexandria park on my way to the office. The camera crews were still there at noon when I went home for lunch. Five people were injured and the gunman, who shot some 50 rounds from his rifle before Park Police and Special Agents protecting Congress-persons stopped him, is dead. More crime scene tape. More questions.
• Wednesday, continued. While driving my daughter to pick up her car over our lunch break, we witnessed a driver in the lane to our left swerve to his right, over-correct to the left, lose control of his car, and sideswipe the Jersey barrier separating inner and outer loop of Beltway traffic. His side airbag deployed and we watched him safely slow his vehicle to a stop in the breakdown lane. Thankfully, no other vehicles were involved. What-if questions abound. What if he had completely lost control? What if there had been no Jersey barrier and the driver went head-on into opposing traffic? What if he were injured by the impact with the barrier--would we have be competent to render aid? What if there had been more traffic--and more cars involved in a pile-up? Lastly and most hauntingly--what if he had careened into our car?

I share these four vignettes to express my grateful heart and to encourage others to find things to be grateful for amidst the occasionally terrifying events around us. Yes, sometimes we must look a little harder to find the good, but it is always possible and always worth the effort.

Life is stochastic. I personally believe in something I call God-authored randomness. In other words, the Universe is intentionally and deliberately uncertain--by design. I don't believe that there is no plan. Rather, I believe that the plan is to allow random forces to work. If nothing else, this keeps us on our toes. But it also explains why good things happen to bad people.

The effect on me of being in close proximity to any one of these four recent events? I feel lucky. Nothing more. I do not feel protected by the hand of God, though I appeal to God for protection and believe that such appeals have a positive effect. I am only vaguely aware of how often I've dodged bullets like these. I am grateful to be alive in terrifyingly interesting times.

The effect of all four of these events in a week? I take a step back. I get a bit philosophical. I realize I must pay attention to my surroundings. I vow to never take a single day for granted. We should all consider that fate is fickle. Life is good, even when it seems chaotic, unfair, or tragic.

Speaking of chaotic, I had a friend ask me if my concept of God-authored randomness wasn't just a new name for Chaos Theory. Not really, not in my humble opinion anyway. Chaos theory states that underlying the apparent chaos is an unseen order. The oft-cited example is the butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a a tornado in Texas--"causing" being the key word. Chaos theory depends on the inter-connected-ness of all things. Unbroken chains of events only appear to be chaotic but are actually predictable.

Perhaps God is the Master Watch Maker and the Universe is an inconceivably complex watch, as Chaos Theory implies. But it is simpler and saner (IMHO) to imagine God as an all-powerful but somewhat laissez faire Creator who unleashed the life force and who delights in all its many manifestations as it struggles, adapts, and overcomes all obstacles in seeking its Source. The God-authored randomness theory states that life happens according to the biological imperative (which could be seen as a Divine charter) and the circumstances of daily living are completely random--no underlying order can or should be inferred.

Believe it or not: we are where we're meant to be. Some of us are more successful, some less so. Every moment is a gift. The wind is at our backs. The sun is in our faces. Rain falls gently on our fields. Storms do come and go--some wreaking devastation and leaving destruction in their wake. That's part of the deal. None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, but we can all know that, come what may, life is good. Bad things happen to good people, yet we must strive to be good, just, and compassionate. I am happy, and grateful to be alive.

It's been a rather interesting week in the Life of Deve.

Five Questions for Crossing the Threshold

This year, instead of writing New Year's Resolutions, I opted to follow an approach advocated by Parker J. Palmer, a Quaker elder, educator, activist, and founder of the Center for Courage & Renewal.

Parker describes his approach like this: he first pondered the Anne Hillman poem (below), and then he identified some questions or wonderings which the had poem evoked in him. After identifying five such wonderings, he decided to follow Rainer Maria Rilke’s famous advice about "living the questions." He wrote out responses to each of those wonderings.

Parker claims his responses inspired new growth and direction in his life in a way that typical resolutions never did. Parker implied that this approach works because it gets after the all-important "why" question. Most resolutions focus on the "what" or the "how" (lose weight, exercise more, sleep better, pay off debt, get the new job, take the trip, etc.). Such resolutions typically fail because they don't connect to purpose--to "why."

I tried Parker's approach, and I was floored by the powerful insights that I gleaned. I thought PhilosFX readers might also be moved by this novel technique, so I decided to share Parker's idea here. At some personal risk, I added my own responses to Parker's leading questions. My hope in sharing not only the process but also my own discovery is that my example will spark some of you to work through this vigorously. So let's give it a try. Read the poem, and then develop personal responses to the wonderings. Let's see what insights emerge as we prepare to cross the threshold into a new year.

We look with uncertainty
by Anne Hillman

We look with uncertainty
beyond the old choices for
clear-cut answers
to a softer, more permeable aliveness
which is every moment
at the brink of death;
for something new is being born in us
if we but let it.
We stand at a new doorway,
awaiting that which comes…
daring to be human creatures,
vulnerable to the beauty of existence.
Learning to love.

In bold blue text are the wonderings Hillman’s poem evoked in Parker. My responses are appended in light grey text but of course I'd like you to ignore them in favor of your own personal responses.

• How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?

I am analytical, skeptical, rational, and pragmatic. In contrast, Nature is glorious, mysterious, timeless, and unforgiving, I believe in my gifts. I also believe life is more than my gifts. I believe living out my questions involves pausing to recognize that life can be random, nature is uncertain, my attempts to bring order out of chaos may at times be quite futile, and that I will be more alive when I can release my need to control, and then be more present, more accepting, more like Nature herself. I will write in my gratitude journal daily. 

• What is my next challenge in daring to be human?

What does it mean to be fully human? What is blocking me from being the fullest realization of myself as an optimally functioning human? What can I do to overcome, bypass, or mitigate the obstacles? Doesn't "daring" to be human imply pushing out of and beyond my comfort zone? There is nothing daring about living the same old routine. For my next challenge, I need to deliberately take on experiences that force me beyond the analytical cocoon in which I've wrapped myself up.  I will go to the retirement home in my neighborhood and seek out a harmonica teacher.

• How can I open myself to the beauty of nature and human nature?

I see the pattern of my life. I awaken still tired, already late. I hustle from my condo cube to my car cube and--after a stressful commute--settle into my cubicle cube. I exchange time and talent for just enough treasure to pay for the upkeep on my various cubes. And the days, months, and years roll by. How often to I break out of the cube and wander in the forest or the park? When was the last time I caught my own food? I will learn how to fish, and catch me a nice bass.  

• Who or what do I need to learn to love next? And next? And next?

This is easy. I could start by loving myself for once. It is time for me to treat myself as if I actually like who I am and care about my own well-being. Like most analysts and logicians, I am hyper-critical. As an analyst, I naturally look for gaps and shortfalls. As a perfectionist, I often focus my most critical gaze at myself. I will lighten up on the harsh inner voice and replace the nagging with more supportive and positive self-talk. 

• What is the new creation that wants to be born in and through me?

I am at a point in life where my construction has provided me and those closest to me some shelter and even a bit of luxury. Now I must enter into a phase of helping and enabling others to design and build their own habitats. The new creation is a shift from me and mine to yours and ours. At this point, I must consider more of an outside perspective, an outward orientation, less hands-on and more helping hands, less competitive and more networked. I will go out of my way to be of service to others. 


Conclusion and Call to Action

As we prepare to cross the thresholds that lie before us, may this meditation inspire us to wonderings of our own! Let's make the time to explore those wonderings and document our answers. In this way, those things we resolve to change will be rooted in purpose, and thus more likely to succeed. Onwards and upwards!

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! And as always, thank you for reading PhilosFX.




H/T: I am a long-time fan of Krista Tippett and her rich, sophisticated, and ever-evolving program called On Being. Parker Palmer's recent article for On Being was the inspiration for this post. 

The Virtue of Uncertainty

Something on my mind lately is the virtue of uncertainty. I worked for Rummy during his second tour as SECDEF. We had a complicated relationship, but in the end, he still signed off on my Joint Service Award. 

The simple Venn diagram above illustrates the conceit of his famous quote: some stuff we think we know with certainty is actually--gasp!--dead wrong! 

Life is random. Our powers of perception are limited and inconsistent. Though the quest for truth is noble, it is okay, even wise, too be unsure about what we "really" know. It's brave to move forward in the face of such uncertainty. A lack of arrogance is not a lack of confidence. 

As my Pastor, Rev. Amber Neuroth says, we need a Commitment to Uncertainty. It's OK to question everything, so long as we keep moving.

To paraphrase the World's Most Interesting Man, "Stay (intellectually) thirsty, my friends."