Tuesday, January 31, 2012

If redux

From the Keep Calm and Carry On Word A Day Calendar

Related posts:

Friday, January 27, 2012

Brewing in Baltimore by Maureen O’Prey

Beer lovers and beer historians in the DC-Baltimore area will appreciate this: Brewing in Baltimore by Maureen O'Prey
Brewing in Baltimore by Maureen O'Prey
Source: dcbeer.com

Maureen O'Prey's Brewing in Baltimore was released at the end of 2011 but provides great insight into the past, present and future of beer. Residents of
Dave Doane sent this using ShareThis.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Health Benefits of Dark Beer

Health Evidence Touts Benefits of Dark Beer vs. Light Beer

Well, here is a blinding flash of the obvious (BFO). Beer is good for you, and darker, hoppier, more flavorful beer is better than light. Go figure! Who knew?

1. Dark beer is much richer in flavanoids than light beer, and flavanoids possess powerful antioxidant properties.  

2. Vitamin B6 levels in dark beer prevented the build up of an amino acid called homocystenine, which has been linked to heart and vascular diseases in humans. 

3. Hops contain a powerful antioxidant called xanthohumol. Xanthohumol helps protect against certain cancers.

The article refers to Bass Ale as an example of dark beer. It also states that hops are found in high concentrations in dark beer. I don't agree with these statements. Bass is amber and moderately hopped. Guinness is black and has next to no hops at all, deriving its bitterness from the darkly roasted malts. However, these discrepancies do not stop me from cherry-picking facts that support my opinion. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater? 

Beer: It's what's for dinner. Here's to your health!

Read more here: Dark Beer Facts - Dark Beer Health Benefits

Hit tap: Janice

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Oxford Companion to Beer

The Oxford Companion to Beer, edited by Garrett Oliver and published in late 2011, was one of the more eagerly anticipated tomes on our favorite beverage since Garrett's 2003 The Brewmaster's Table.

Look, the book is awesome and every beer lover should have it. But sometimes, the real story is the story behind the story. And this post is about controversy, emotion, and drama--but not that found within the book itself. The book is meant to be more of an encyclopedia, full of facts and free of opinions. Rather, this post is about the controversy, emotion, and drama that ensues when writers write about writers...
I obviously lifted the cover photo from Amazon

There is a difference between writers writing about what writers write, and writers writing about writers. The first is called criticism. The second is libel.

In October, while copies of Garrett's latest were making their way to bookstores, our friend Martyn Cornell of Zythophile fame blogged about the Oxford Companion to Beer, henceforth called OCB, in a post calling it a "dreadful disaster." Martyn used the "Look Inside" feature at Amazon to scan a few pages of OCB. He found and itemized many issues and concerns. And in his own inimitable fashion, he described these issues and concerns as drivel, rubbish, invented facts, poor scholarship and the like, and concluded with the question, not the statement, of whether the OCB wasn't a dreadful disaster?

Word of this insult traveled at the speed of electrons to Garrett, who responded in an open letter to Martyn Cornell which is available in the OCB Commentary wiki. Garrett parry's Martyn's every thrust. Then, Garrett not only challenges Martyn to a duel, but he also questions the legitimacy of his new enemy's parentage. Then he accuses Martyn of McCarthyism, and declares that Martyn has essentially referred to the editor of the OCB "as a dupe, a cretin and a liar, piloting a project populated by lazy idiots."

Friends, I am not making this up. Mostly. OK, some of it I am making up but most of it is true, and you can read it for yourselves. The passion is drippingly real. And for the record, passion is a good thing to have in a brewer, a chef, or an author. Garrett is all three and the passion meter is pegged in his reply intended to emphatically end all replies(!)

However, and as it happens, the story continues after all. Still within the month of October, an undaunted Martyn delivers his measured response to Garrett's open letter with a pithy blog post. The gist of Martyn's post is this: if you sell your product as the end-all and be-all, you've got to expect a little feedback when maybe it ain't all that. 

I believe another lesson from Martyn is to save the passion for the kitchen, the brewhouse, and the opinion page. And perhaps a few other places that spring to mind, too, but pointedly not for academic writing. Academic writing, such as that expected in OCB, is writing about facts. There are plenty of other places where writing about feelings is OK, or even encouraged. But no one wants to read about opinions and rumors in a book like OCB.

I suspect that Garrett and his team of esteemed writers will in fact correct many errors in the 2d edition of OCB. For example, I suspect that references to rumors will either be replaced by documented evidence or expunged. I further suspect that Garrett will be less defensive about criticism in the future--not less likely to take it personally, because that's normal, but less likely to respond to it personally. Martyn wrote about OCB. Garrett wrote about Martyn, and in so doing, he essentially made Martyn's point. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A zythophile rants about porters, stouts, and ales, oh my!

Introducing Zythophile | zee-tho-fyle, a beer, beer history, beerstyles, and beer-with-food blog 
by Martyn Cornwell, a British person.

"Look, will you all stop misusing the word ‘ale’? Thank you!"

I am a fan of Martyn Cornwell's blog, Zythophile. Mr. Cornwell has a passion and a deep knowledge of Our Favorite Subject, as well as an engaging writing style. As the blog post title above may attest, he comes off as a bit cantankerous at times, but frankly, that's part of the appeal. This link takes you to his home page.

Not so long ago, a fellow BeerPal posted a link to this post from Martyn's blog, from which the above title is taken.  In this particular post, I found the following quote:

"It ... makes me [Martyn Cornell] twitch to see people describe porter and stout as “ale”, totally the opposite to how it was described historically."

My response: Guilty as charged. I am one of the Americans to whom Cornell is referring. Like many others, I mistakenly believe that current distinctions between ale and lager have been consistent through history. Apparently that is not the case.


And pointless!

The fact that porters and stouts were not classified as ales 400 years ago is a distinction without a difference today. It's an historical footnote, and little more. Nothing for which it's worth getting our britches twisted. 

Brewing beer at colder temperatures for longer periods using bottom-fermenting yeast was not yet a common practice when porter and stout styles were created in Britain. Porters and stouts, like all ales, are brewed with top-fermenting yeast. To a British drinker, the key distinction among ales was color (Gold, Amber, or Black) and alcohol content. 

When the Germans (and Bohemians in what is now Czechoslovakia) developed what has since become the most popular method of fermenting beer, that is, fermenting beer at colder temperatures for longer periods using bottom-fermenting yeast, the distinctions became less about color and more about yeast. Pale lagers like Pilsner Urquell and Budvar and more modern interpretations like Bud, Miller, and Coors, are the highest-selling and thus most popular beers on the planet.

You can brew a yellow-, amber-, or black-hued beer that is a lager or an ale, but for a Pilsner Urquell, one must use lager yeast. And except for Baltic Porters, for a porter or a stout one must use ale yeast. 

As Martin himself says, what matters most is that one drinks what one likes. From among the options, choose the one that satisfies most. Whether anyone else likes it matters not. Neither does it matter what you or anyone else calls it. 

So let's not get bent out of shape over whether a porter is an ale. Of course it is! 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

English Pronunciation: A Satirical Poem

Now from the British humor site, ThePoke.com, comes this witty satire called  English Pronunciation.

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. 

How does anyone ever learn English as a second language?


Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English Pronunciation by G. Nolst Trenité

Shared via Clare P.

Bob Krumm's Predictions for 2012

BobKrumm.com » 2012’s Predictions

Twenty bold economic and political predictions for 2012 from prognosticator, politician, patriot, and personal friend, Bob Krumm.

1.  It’s the end of the Euro as we know it.  Someone is going to leave the currency union.  If Germany was wise, it would be them.  (Sure, a strong Deutschmark would put pressure on their exports, but it would give huge buying power to its people–not to mention, having Euro-denominated debts would greatly reduce its debt load.)  But inertia and obstinacy, especially among political classes, is a powerful thing.  More likely is that Portugal, Ireland, Greece, or Spain will be kicked out of a “full” currency union.  Chaos will ensue.

2.  Before the Euro breaks apart, first will come a failed Italian debt auction in February.  The ECB will finally flood the system with cash.  After a few days of rejoicing, reality will set in.  Gold will soar eventually above $2,000.  The Euro will fall below $1.10.  Germany will get nervous.  In short, nothing will have changed, except that more bankers will have been made whole on their bad debts at the expense of taxpayers.

3.  While long-term investors should look at what is happening in Europe as reason to disassociate themselves from unsustainable sovereign debt, in a world awash in “free” money, there remain few real long-term investors.  Instead, the “flight to safety will push up the prices on treasuries.  The U.S. ten-year note will spend almost the entire year at or under two percent, and will even flirt briefly with one.

4.  Even with interest rates ridiculously low for another year, the housing market will not recover.  The problem is and will continue to be the banks’ holding back of a shadow inventory of 6 million homes either in foreclosure, or badly behind on their payments.  Until that clears the market, real estate will not find its bottom.

5.  Another drag on the economy will be 2012’s Kredit Anstalt moment.  Not sure if it will be BNP, or DeutscheBank, or someone else (there are so many bad banks from which to choose), but a major European bank will fail, and fail spectacularly.  There won’t be enough money to bail them out and the ripple effects will shock the world.  World stock markets will collapse.  Countries will try currency controls to contain the crisis, but will succeed in only making it worse.  By the last quarter of the year, the phrase “global depression” will be freely used.

6.  The Fed will end the year still fighting a mythical deflation monster with an arsenal of ridiculously low rates and gimmicky asset purchases.  As a result, inflation will be coming to America.  Brutally so.  But not in 2012.

7.  There will be less employed people in America at the end of 2012 than at the beginning.  
Still, because of the vast swaths of the disenchanted who simply leave the job market, the unemployment rate might appear to be little changed, or perhaps might even improve.

8.  Europe’s PIIGS will have two new members:  Belgium and France.  Each will end the year paying more than 6% on its 10-year debts.

9.  Iran and Israel will not come to blows.  There will be no bombing of Iranian reactors.  But the heated rhetoric will not dissipate either.

10.  Iran will come to blows with the United States.  Not sure how or where it will come, but they will launch a successful symbolic strike at what they perceive as impotence.  However, war will not be the result.  What will result is $120 oil, adding to the economic catastrophe.

11.  Russian revolts will continue until they are violently put down.  Think Tiananmen on steroids.  Putin will hold power.  At any cost.  Europe, enslaved by its dependence on Russian natural gas, will timidly express “grave concern.”  There will be calls for America to withdraw from the 2014 Winter Olympics to be hosted in the Russian ski resort of Sochi.  Not wishing to repeat Carter’s 1980 Moscow performance, President Obama will ignore the advice, but to no avail:  he will be pilloried for being even weaker than Carter.

12.  2011’s Arab Spring will result in 2012’s Arab Winter of Discontent.  Egypt will continue to be a mess.  Turkey will be teetering on the brink.

13.  NATO will announce that it will end its involvement in Afghanistan in 2014.

14.  Speaking of NATO . . .   The annual NATO conference in Chicago in May will be a disaster as the splintering economies of several NATO members prompt calls for the alliance to dissolve.  Even worse, is the fact that it is simultaneously scheduled to coincide with the G8 Conference, also in Chicago.  Like rotting fruit to maggots, the spring meetings will draw tens of thousands of anarchists, militants, communists, and Methodists.  It will be 1968 all over again as the city is consumed by riots and a heavy-handed police response.  Pundits from left and right will savage President Obama for the sheer stupidity of allowing these two events to occur in his hometown just six months before the election.  Occupy Wall Street will completely beclown itself, taking down its President with it.  He will never again poll above 43% approval among likely voters after May.

15.  The first economic surprise of the year will be that Europe’s failings will show that CDSs are not in as bad a shape as everyone had feared. 

16.  The second economic surprise of 2012 will be ETFs.  The complicated investment strategies will be exposed as Enron-like impenetrable schemes.  At least one big respected investment house will collapse as a result.

17.  Now to the elections . . .  Republicans will pick up between 8 and 12 seats in the Senate, taking control of the upper chamber, but not achieving a filibuster-proof majority.  Among the gains will be Michigan, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, Virginia, and Wisconsin.  The surprise of the night will be Florida.  Bill Nelson will lose.  Linda Lingle and Scott Brown will  finish excruciatingly close races–close because in both liberal states, President Obama will vastly underperform expectations due to low turnout.  In fact, 2012 will be the lowest turnout election since 2000 as blacks, youth, non-government unions, and social conservatives see their numbers fall off from 2008 and 2004.  Harry Reid will depart the Senate.

18.  Republicans will gain 10 to 20 more seats in the House.  Along with the ouster of five or more moderates in the primaries, the Tea Party wing of the GOP will wield enormous power in the lower chamber.  Nancy Pelosi will announce her retirement.

19.  President Obama won’t win more than ten states.  California, New Jersey, and New York will all give him less than 53% of their vote.  The only states he wins west of Maryland will be Illinois and some of the ones that border the coast.  Only DC gives him greater than 55%.  The down-ticket effect on state races will be even worse for Democrats than they were in 2010. 

20.  President-Elect Romney will immediately let down his base by the nomination of a major financial industry insider as Treasury Secretary.  This will be the first of many disappointments that will follow in 2013.

Bob is a friend and I enjoy following his blog, BobKrumm.com. I do not agree with all of his predictions for 2012, but I really like his style. He has his finger on important issues. He takes a stand. Unlike Nostradamus, whose predictions are sufficiently vague as to be inevitably true at some unspecified future time, Bob's predictions are clear, time constrained, and easily falsifiable. Any number of independent evaluators will likely score Bob's 20 predictions the same way this time next year. 

Bob scored his own predictions for 2011 and earned a 5-4-3 record. I admire his willingness to publish his own self-evaluated results. I think his assessment was clear and objective.

I have started making my own predictions for 2012. I'll publish them separately.

Six Strategies For Success

New from the Positively Positive blog comes this helpful post:

Six Strategies For Success

Consider these SIX SUCCESS STRATEGIES to get in the game and create your best 2012.
The process of acknowledging your wins helps to build confidence, believe in yourself, and think expansively about what’s possible. A win is an accomplishment that you feel proud of—big or small. If it matters to you and makes you feel good, it’s a win.
Regardless of how amazing or frustrating your life may be, I guarantee you have WINS. Two of my wins include writing my first book, Living in Your Top 1%, and working with three not-for-profits that help underprivileged women. Other wins could include: leaving a toxic relationship, closing your first real estate deal, successfully changing jobs in a difficult economy, calling a friend to start an exercise program, or ordering your first set of business cards. Highlighting your wins and leveraging past successes is one of the most powerful ways to motivate yourself to continue to take action.
Believe in yourself!
Regardless of whether you run a company or not, you have to step into the CEO role of YOU, INC. Being the CEO means you make yourself a priority, take responsibility for your actions, and make choices that align with your goals. This includes fueling YOU, INC. so that you can share your best self with your friends, family, and co-workers.
As the talented Director, Tom Shadyac, shares in his wonderful documentary, I am—we are all connected, and what we do impacts the world. We will naturally create a better world by embracing the CEO role for our own life. So the next time someone asks, “What’s right with the world?” hopefully, we can all say, “I am.” The powerful piece is that your choices, energy, and contributions can create a more positive world.
Step into the CEO role for your life!
We all want success. But are you clear on what success means to you? Your definition is dynamic and specific to your values and what’s important to you. It’s much more effective to focus on YOUR top 1%, rather than on chasing THE top 1%. Does success mean building loving relationships? Making a certain amount of money? Buying a house? Volunteering? Spending quality time with your children?
Living your best life is dependent on doing what brings you energy, makes you feel alive and connected, and leaves you fulfilled. It’s not dependent on your status, role, $$’s, or education, as society encourages us to believe. Take the time to continually redefine what success means to you. These are the ideas to put into action.
Live your truth!
“Find a happy person, and you will find a project,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, positive psychologist and author of The How of Happiness. We all need something to work toward. And do yourself a favor, set a goal that truly excites you and adds meaning to your life rather than setting the same goal you’ve had for the past ten years but have not completed (such as lose 10 pounds). Yes, your goals need to be specific, measurable, actionable, in writing, and have a time-target, but the real movement starts when you go after something that is important—priority—in your life. Three suggestions:
    1. START WITH YOUR IDEAL VISION: What would you love to achieve by the end of the year? Don’t let the obstacles push you off-course and compromise your goal before your journey starts.
    2. LIVE IN YOUR STRETCH ZONE: One client, the Marathon Goddess, is running 52 marathons in 52 weeks to raise money for Pancreatic Cancer. This is definitely outside her comfort zone but she’s going for it. When you set a stretch goal you strive for something that you might not have thought possible.
    3. TAKE SMALL STEPS: Small steps are the key to building confidence and helping you adjust to the process of change. The Japanese refer to this idea as kaizen, or continuous improvement. Small steps help to avoid all-or-nothing pitfalls and focus on sustainable progress. Even the process of writing a book starts with one word to one page to one chapter. Small steps lead to big results.
Put your goals into action!
Forget about what other people and society think you should do. If you want to shine in 2012, you’ll need to seek your truth and pursue ideas and projects that you are passionate about. Go after what makes YOUsmile. Invest your time and take action on the goals and priorities that make you happy.
Focus on your top priorities!
Surround yourself with people who believe in you and want to see you do well. And, it’s important to spend time with people who YOU think are winners, too. Your Top 1% Team needs to energize and fuel you rather than drain your energy. Your team can include people, books, music, quotes, yoga, YOU time, conferences, and more. Basically, anything that inspires you and helps you move forward with your goals.
Surround yourself with winners!

TOP 1% BOTTOM LINE: Ideas + action form a compelling combo to have a positively positive year. Celebrate wins along the way and always seek out ways to improve, expand your thinking, and take on new challenges. The journey starts by asking, “Am I living up to my greatest potential?”


Message from the Queen

Message from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

(Mistake ... Isn't this British yoof speak??)


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. Filmed British history will be accurate and according to what has been written and acknowledged as fact and not according to Hollywood flights of fancy. The Americans did NOTseize the Enigma code machine as portrayed in "U-571". This fabrication caused a serious diplomatic incident between the British government and the American administration and any further and similar misrepresentations will occasion an immediate declaration of war on the rebels currently occupying all states, commonwealths, and territories known as The Americas. (This last clause added by one of Her Majesty's most loyal subjects.)


11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Tip of the hat to Chuck for this brilliant satire! It's an updated version of a classic from 2000.
Read more: HERE