Monday, September 13, 2010

Remember, reflect, renew: 9/11/2010

Introduction: I was in the Pentagon on this day 9 years ago. For me, 9/11 is still very much a day of solemn remembrance, reflection, and renewal. The time was 9:37 am, Tues, Sep 11th, 2001. In that split-second when the Boeing 757 hit the Pentagon, 184 innocent lives were lost. Many other people were injured, and countless relationships were torn. Aboard Flight 77 were 59 people including 6 crew members: all perished. We lost 125 people in the Pentagon, including 29 co-workers from my department. I cannot explain why I walked out and others did not.

I still think about friends who were killed, injured, or traumatized, and families who survived terrible loss, and people who sacrificed so much to respond to the attack and prevent a recurrence.  Nine years on and I admit that I am not yet ready to forgive and forget.  I have not seen enough change to think that the problems and threats that got us to that point have resolved or are no longer real.  In a world where extremists on both sides set the agenda, it is more important than ever for moderate voices to be heard. We still need to celebrate and encourage Patriots on this day. The goal is to push Armageddon off long enough for the next generation to live a full and happy life.

For me, the terrible shock of 9/11 is still personal, present, and pressing.

PERSONAL: On 9/11, I was in the Pentagon on the third floor directly above the point of impact, and somehow was lucky enough to walk out physically unharmed.  Many friends and colleagues were not so lucky.  We suffered 33% casualties in our department, 29 killed and another 48 injured to varying degrees, including one civilian employee who needed 9 months to recover from his burns.  In addition to co-workers who died, 2 of my co-workers and 2 close friends also lost loved ones in the attack.

I’ll never forget standing in the north parking lot, listening to the radio, and hearing the announcement that the FAA had closed all airports. That’s when I realized that our entire Nation was under attack. Not just the symbols of our financial and military might, but the entire Nation.

I'll never forget the horror as we hunkered around the TV at Colonel Masey’s house, as reality sank in and we realized our boss, General Maude, could not possibly have survived the impact of the jetliner that plowed right through his E-ring office.  

It took us two days of calling and worrying to get some kind of a headcount. During that entire time, fire fighters fought the flames, relief agencies set up tents, people lit candles, and families held out hope for survivors to be rescued.

Since that time, not a day has gone by that I do not recall 9/11:
·         I went to many funerals and comforted many grieving family members and colleagues.  It took 90 days to find, identify, and bury our dead.
·         I have served two tours in the Pentagon Ops Center, once at the beginning of Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF) October 2001, and again at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) March 2003.
·         A month after the attack I was at the Pentagon when Pres Bush and SecDef Rumsfeld addressed the Nation. 
·         In October 2001, the Army 10-Miler was canceled due to security concerns, but I organized a team of runners who raised pledge money for the Family Support Group and we ran our own 10-Miler. 
·         I was invited to place a piece of colored glass in one of the stained glass windows that was ultimately installed in the Pentagon Memorial Chapel. 
·         In August 2002, we moved back into our 4th corridor offices.
·         I was present one year after 9/11 when Pres Bush and SecDef Rumsfeld again addressed the Nation at the dedication of the repaired Pentagon. 
·         I served a tour with Multi-National Corps-Iraq in Baghdad, 2007-2008.  
·         I have walked with the America Salutes You group. 
·         I was present in on 9/11/08 at the dedication of the Memorial to all who died in the Pentagon or on American flight 77. 
·         I have participated in annual ASA (M&RA)/DCS G-1 memorial services at the end of the 4th Corridor. 

On 9/11, that plane hit my family; this is intensely personal. 

PRESENT: Life goes on, true.  No one talks about the War of 1812 anymore; it’s ancient history.  But 9/11 is not ancient history; it’s still shaping events in the present.  It’s still shaping our State and Defense missions in Afghanistan and Iraq, and the lives of so many Marines and soldiers from UN and NATO countries. 

Tuesday morning at 9:37 am Eastern Time.  For a year after 9/11, the alarm on my wristwatch would chime every Tuesday morning at 9:37 am, and I would say a prayer for the fallen.  After a year, I decided not to use that alarm as a reminder anymore because I was ready to move on.  Maybe I am healing.  But healing takes time, and I am not whole, not yet, not completely.  Nine years on and I still feel damaged. 

I need to heal—to remember, reflect, and renew.  Today is Saturday, so yesterday was a time of sharing with friends at work. In addition to pausing at 9:37 at the end of 4th corridor yesterday to see the photos of General Maude and all those in our department who died, I went down to the chapel to see the names of those 29 friends and colleagues inscribed on the wall.  I attended a memorial service. I walked out to the memorial and visit many of their benches.  I rode my motorcycle to Arlington National Cemetery and visited many graves.  Tonight, I will light candles read off the names of 29 colleagues plus 4 friends’ loved ones taken on that day.

I recently renewed my car’s annual safety inspection. The sticker now says good till 9 11. I glance at the clock. The time reads 9:11. I see Kathy in the hall, I think of her sister who died on 9/11. I get an email from Gunny Sigman, who lost his right leg in Ramadi. I see Facebook updates from Bob in Basrah, John in Baghdad, Klete in Kandahar, Dr J in Konduz, and Jeff, Julie, and Marion in Kabul. I want 9/11 to be remembered, and for Americans to be mindful of the sacrifices made that day.  I want people to continue to reflect on how 9/11 changed the world.  I want people to consider the lessons of 9/11 and to renew themselves to a pledge of preventing another attack on our soil. 

I am not locked in the past; 9/11 is still very present.  

PRESSING:   9/11 really matters.  It has changed my worldview. I sometimes wonder what quirk of fate allowed me to walk away from the Pentagon.  Why was I spared?  Why were Bud, Dave, Neil, Kip, Dennis, Jose, Deb, Gen Maude, and so many others taken?  For what purpose have I been shaped by this tragedy?  The lessons of 9/11 are hugely important because the future is at stake.  I have been spared.  I feel obliged to let my pain help others, to work toward a better, more peaceful future, and to remember the sacrifices of a few so that they shall not have died in vain.

9/11 impacted my scholarship. Part of the reason I matriculated with Walden University in 2001 is that I was drawn to their mission to create change agents for positive social change. It seems to me that improving security in an insecure environment is consistent with Walden University's mission to make the world a better place. Figuring out the proper response to 9/11 is key to the future of human civilization.  Are we going to find a way to get along?  Will balance be restored?  Will justice be felt?   Of course, reasonable people can disagree as to how to accomplish these goals, but the topic is worthy of debate, study, and applied research.

9/11 impacted my philosophy. A soldier must think about certain things that do not occur to most people in our blessed land: for what am I willing to fight?  For what am I willing to die?  Most terrifyingly, for what am I willing to actually kill?  Thinking seriously about the answers to these questions absolutely changes one's life.  All soldiers each have their own answers before they go to war.  In 2001, I had 17 years of service under my belt, mostly training under Cold War doctrine. I had an operational tour in Kosovo but never any combat deployments. Suddenly, war came to me. Most people would agree that war is wrong. My own children have told me that they do not approve of my profession. Someday, they will understand that peace is only possible in the shade of swords.
 
9/11 impacted my theology. One could wonder, where is God in all of this pain and suffering?  It was apparently God's will that nature should be random. That way, people have to respond to uncertainty, to face danger, to prevent disaster and yet react swiftly and effectively when prevention fails.  Such a response is what defines us as individuals, and as members of the human race.

If nature is random by design, then God does not control nature nor decide when to cause, or prevent (!) natural or man-made calamities.  God doesn't get involved with when or where the tectonic plates collide, or who survives the earthquake, the battle, or the football game. God is in the randomness of it, in the uncertainty of life.

Nature and human behavior and the terrible and unpredictable process of life is God-authored randomness.  Is God in the random outcomes, too?   How could a loving God allow evil people to prosper, and good, decent people to suffer?  Did I walk out of the Pentagon on 9/11 because I was spared by Divine intervention?  No.  I know too many good people who did not deserve to die that day to believe that I was spared on purpose or as the result of a plan.  I was spared because life is random, and I was lucky.  Others were not. It's as simple and as terrifying as that. 

9/11 impacted my politics. That good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people is not Divine injustice, that's the randomness of God's creation made manifest. Why? Given that fate is fickle, the question then is not, why did God deliberately allow 9/11? The question is, what sort of humanity will respond to these manifestations of uncertainty?  How can we prevent tragedies like these?  How can we help the family heal, and in the process become more fully human ourselves? 

I not only pray for the safety of my daughters every day, but I do what I can to protect them while teaching them how to deal with uncertainty and shape their own future through their choices.  That's what parents do.  That's what people do.  By the way I still believe in prayer because of the alignment that results--not because God is in heaven with Angels at the switchboard taking requests and deciding who will be granted his petition today.  My point is that prayer alone is not enough. A falling branch can crush an ant which, moments before its death, was doing everything right. Fate is fickle. 

Will my children live full and productive lives in freedom?  Or will they live in fear?  The best way for me to provide for my children is to fight extremism, promote understanding through education and cultural exchange, and protect rational boundaries if their encroachment is an existential threat. There are snakes. Not all snakes are bad. If a poisonous snake threatens me or my family, I have a hoe, and I know how to use it. I will do what I can as an individual, and I will join with other, like-minded individuals, to keep our defenses strong.

Conclusion: The trajectory of my whole life changed on that day.  I believe 9/11 changed history, not just for me, but for all Americans, and not just for our Nation but for the global community of nations.

For me, 9/11 is still very much a day of solemn remembrance, quiet reflection, and resolute renewal.  This is a time to remember the events of that day and the days that followed in the aftermath of the attacks.   Today is also a time to reflect on the sacrifices made by innocent victims, and by those few who took up arms in defense of freedom and democracy.  Finally, today is a day to renew my commitment to the ideals upon which our Nation was founded, and for which much blood has been spilled. 

It has been said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. If so, then here's to those maintaining the vigil, on this Patriot's Day and every day.  I solicit your support for the families of the fallen and for all those who have served to prevent a similar attack on our soil.

Remember, reflect, and renew.

Until there is peace,

Dave 

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