The Questions That Will Save Your Relationships | Glennon Melton

Intimate Conversation

What is life, if not a series of conversations? You overhear one side of a phone conversation during your morning commute. You discuss last weekend's exploits with your colleague. A child asks you to play a game. You wake up from a dream. The driver in front of you is a moron. The person you are looking at does not look back. The doctor takes a breath, and then asks you to have a seat.

Sure, some conversations are more impactful than others, but does that mean that we can afford to treat less impactful conversations as trivial? As we move through space and time on the stage of life, there are no dress rehearsals and truly no "insignificant" conversations.  Living as if your life were a movie--and in particular, a movie that someone would actually want to watch--means living with intention and passion. Even the small moments may be purpose-filled. Make your words count and your interactions matter!

Many of us ask the same boring questions and then wonder why we get the same empty responses. Glennon Melton's great Huffington Post article recently came to my attention. Here is the Cliff's Notes version:

Don't ask your spouse or significant other, "How was your day?" Instead, try:

• When did you feel loved today?
• When did you feel lonely?
• What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
• What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
• What can I do to help you right now?

When your kids get home from school, don't ask, "How was your day?" because they don't know. Their day was lots of things. Instead, ask:

• How did you feel during your spelling test?
• What did you say to the new girl when you all went out to recess?
• Did you feel lonely at all today?
• Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?

Never ask your friends, "How are you?" because they don't know either. Instead, ask:

• How is your mom's chemo going?
• How'd that conference with Ben's teacher turn out?
• What's going really well with work right now?

The questions we ask reveal how interested we are in the responses we get. To ask a boring question is to communicate that we will be satisfied with a boring response--or worse, that we do not really care at all.

I am going to try asking better questions!  

H/T: JBM via her Facebook post

Photo attribution: Dr. Dana Lightman's blog, accessed 28 Jan 2014 

Cancer and the True Meaning of Life

My brother, my lovely sister-in-law, and their son

It was Thanksgiving, 2012, when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. Glioblastoma multiforme, or GBM, is a particularly hideous form of brain cancer. The tumor actually modifies its own genetic makeup in a sophisticated display of adaptive defense. Too much treatment risks harming healthy tissue. Too little, and the tumor adapts--literally morphing its DNA to become more resilient. Chemicals that threaten to kill the GBM tumor today will not have the same effect on the tumor tomorrow. A length of GBM tumor may be composed of multiple different organisms.

Think about that! GBM is the Ninja Warrior of cancer tumors...

The tumor is fighting hard to survive. As cancers go, GBM is particularly crafty and insidious. It is fighting hard and dirty. My brother, his medical team, his family and friends, and a global network of Prayer Warriors are fighting back--harder and, if not dirtier, at least with full access to all the weapons available within the medical profession. Todd has endured surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and a second surgery at Thanksgiving 2013.

My brother sees special significance in the fact that his two surgeries have occurred at successive Thanksgivings. The reason? One cannot be full of both resentment and gratitude simultaneously. One emotion inevitably pushes out the other. Wow! The impact of that insight strikes me as Profoundly True. Todd has chosen the high road. He is focused on the lessons his battle has taught him. His acceptance of what he cannot change, and his courage in facing what he can--and must--change, is an inspiration to thousands of people.

It is unfair that my brother has GBM, but no one ever said that life would be fair. The fact is, cancer of any type could happen to anyone, at any time. For reasons beyond our control, the life force of a bunch of atoms took the form of a GBM tumor and took hold in my brother's body. Anger and resentment at this travesty of justice would be understandable. But my brother's response has been one of grace and gratitude. While no one wants cancer, having cancer can take us to the cliff's edge and force us to contemplate the ultimate meaning of life.

Paradoxically, my brother reports that since his second surgery, he has never felt more alive, more purpose-filled, or more committed to helping others achieve lives of significance. The battle raging within him has honed his sense of who he is and why he is here on this planet. He lives now to make each day a holy gift.

As for me, I am not as evolved. I don't just want the tumor gone, I want to kill it with my bare hands. I wish my brother's tumor had eyes, so I could stare into them as I squeeze the life out of it and watch it die in my grip. I want to look into cancer's beady Ninja eyeballs and witness the moment when that tumor yields to its demise and leaves my brother for the last time. My resentment and anger are blocking my ability to accept what I cannot control and to express gratitude for the good that has come and that will come from this experience.

In other words, I need to be more like my brother.... 

May we all find the true meaning of life while we have time to put the knowledge to good use! May we all be truly happy and healthy in the year ahead.

Peace! 

Related post: http://philosfx.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-brother-todds-prayer-network.html

The Rich Perspective of Age + Experience

A portrait of Colonel Collins the week before he retired from the U.S. Army

Today is Christmas, and I received a wonderful gift in the form of a Thank You letter. With the author's kind permission, I'd like to share his words which so beautifully capture the spirit of living on purpose and giving back.

By way of the briefest introduction: I am a member of a group called the Warlord Loop (http://www.warlordloop.org/). John Collins is the 92+ year old founder and leader of the group. Though John is very active, he recently handed the reigns of Warlord to a successor. We now reverently refer to Colonel (Ret) Collins as Warlord Emeritus. Today this dear old gentleman took the time to express his gratitude to the 500 members of the Loop he created and has nurtured for 15 years. 

Please take a moment to read John's words. We have so much to learn from our older brothers and sisters, and we can only hope to have as much to offer others, should we reach such a venerable age. 

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Your Grandest Gift to Warlord Emeritus

Thank God every day when you get up that you have something 

to do that day which must be done whether you like it or not.

Being forced to work and forced to do your best will breed in you           

temperance and self-control, diligence and strength of will, cheerfulness

and content, and a hundred virtues which the idle will never know. 

--Basil Carpenter

Gainful employment in my case ceased on January 6, 1996. Beginning sometime in 1998, for the last 15 consecutive years to be exact, members of the Warlord Loop have blessed this nonagenarian with the grandest gift possible by giving me intellectual stimulation every day in ways that almost literally are keeping me alive. Basil Carpenter, who checked out of the net in 1979, would applaud their assistance from his afterlife perch. 

Most email nets devoted to national security consist of predictable input from particular segments of the opinion spectrum, whereas daily debates by this broad-based group open up endless windows on the real world. Back channel correspondence bolsters me whenever I wonder whether the time we expend every day of every month is worthwhile. One message from Captain (now Vice Admiral) Mike Rogers gave me particularly great aid and comfort when he was Special Assistant to JCS Chairman Peter Pace and Director of his Chairman's Action Group: "I am one of those silent members who normally chooses not to engage directly....but I can assure you that your thoughts and the thoughts of so many other members of this strong dialogue are a part of the input I provide my boss (and by extension which he provides to his bosses) on the national security challenges facing us today - and tomorrow." 

God bless you all for enriching the twilight of my life. I wish you and yours the happiest holiday season imaginable, good fortune throughout the coming year, and hope that your most treasured dreams come true.

JOHN COLLINS (aka Warlord Emeritus)
Age 92.5 Years and Counting

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Beautifully written, Sir.

I thank you for expressing such profound gratitude on Christmas Day. Your words offer proof that the gifts one gives really do come back magnified. The group you created and have nurtured has flourished and now gives you back something even more valuable to you than what you offered in the beginning. Your verse is like a homily for Christmas and good living.

Respectfully,

Dave

Aged 52.9 years and counting