Let's assume two otherwise unattached people are searching for a companionable significant other. They meet, some impressions are formed, and it seems all is going well. The issue then comes down to this:
How does the pair clearly and concisely describe the status of their new relationship in terms of its potential for lasting happiness?
- How was the date or encounter? Sparks or flat?
- What do I tell my friends about whether the other person and I seem to "fit"?
- Where is the relationship going? Onward and Upward? Wait and See? or Hit the Road, Jack!?
- How do I safely tell the other person how I honestly feel about our prospects? Honesty is the best policy? Or, Discretion is better part of valor?
Regardless of age or experience, these are hard questions, non-trivial questions, serious freaking questions! These questions require both careful thought and crystal communication. Language can be wonderfully nuanced, which means it can also be frustratingly unclear. For example, one person's 5 might be another's 8, so we need a way to return emotional data to a normative scale which can be read consistently across various experience levels and communication abilities.
To help, I propose a clear and unambiguous scale along the lines of the famous Pain Scale we've all seen at the doctor's office, to wit:
The New Relationship Scale, aka the PhilosFX Bliss-O-Meter, is a semi-scientific attempt to describe and score the interactions of potential mates upon meeting and getting to know each other--say, for example, on a first date.
PhilosFX Bliss-O-Meter
On a scale of 0 to 10, rate the relationship in terms of the likelihood for bliss
0. Not just zero bliss, but the opposite of bliss--the Anti-bliss. Human poison.
1. Yikes! Polar opposites, hopelessly incompatible, physically repulsive to one another. Thou dost emit an odor most foul.
2. No stinking way! RUN! Don't hide, it takes too long. Just RUN!
3. What we have here is a failure to communicate. On any level. At all. Buh-bye!
4. This is good. Just not good enough. I thank you kindly for your time and interest. Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Breath-holding is not advised. Peace, out!
5. This is good enough--for now. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? May I have your number? Translation: if you give me your number, I will probably call you (unless something else comes up first)! Let's see where it goes!
6. OK, I'll bite. What's not to like? You know, this just might work... Mutual attraction, check! Good chemistry, check! No dead bodies hidden in the closet (or, none that I have found yet), check! Second date is ON!
7. I feel really, really good about this (but a pre-nup is probably a good idea). Time to retire the ol' Black Book! And by retire, I mean put it in a safe place.
8. This is it! The search is over! Hallelujah. We fit, we click, we are pulling in the same direction. When we fight, it is rare and respectful. When we love, it is frequent and boundless. Black Book? Burn it!
9. Pinch me! I must be dreaming! Have I died and gone to heaven? I am bathed in the pure light and warmth of endless love. We were made for each other, and together we shall be till death do us part.
10. Do NOT pinch me! If I am dreaming I do not want to wake up! I am one with the Divine and am currently floating in 10 points of everlasting bliss.
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Does anyone know an artist who would want to draw the graphics to accompany the words and numbers of the Bliss-O-Meter? Allie Brosh, I'm looking at you!
From now on, if you meet someone you simply do not like, you can still ask for his / her number to be polite. Why not? We all want to be nice and get along. However, if he /she wants to know your true impressions and your honest intentions, the two of you can pull out this scale and, using the common language of numbers (and pictures, someday!), have a conversation about subjective and qualitative assessments.
Earlier, I said we need a way to return data to scale consistently. Here's an illustration using the phrase, "May I have your number?" There is a big difference between, "May I have your number? (with a 3)," "May I have your number? (with a 5)," and "May I have your number? (with a 7)."
Life is too short to make bad choices. Don't settle. Whether it's good news or bad news. being clear and honest with each other is actually the nicest and most respectful way to communicate.
The truth will set you (both) free.
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